I can't live another day without you
by thereisnooneelse
Summary: Stendan AU.Rated M for later chapters. Things get complicated for Stephen Hay the day before the one year anniversary of Brendan's death.
1. The start of something

One year ago tomorrow. That is when my life changed forever. See, I always knew that loving Brendan Brady came with a price. I just didn't know that his life would be the price. Then there's me. Left to live all alone without him. I miss him so much it hurts. Nothing will ever be the same.

You see, I know he was classed as a bully and a thug. I know things he did a lot worse that that too. However, it still didn't stop me loving the man that I will forever class as my soulmate. I even went all the way to Dublin to get him back. I left Doug. A man I married just to get Brendan out of my head. It didn't work though. Brendan ran through my blood. He was always a part of me even when we weren't together.

The worst part of this tragedy is that the Police never did find Brendan's body. Walker made sure of that. Walker...he's still out there somewhere too. Sometimes I wish he had killed us both. Then we would have been together forever.

I feel robotic in my life now. No real pleasure or pain. Every day I get up and act normal. Bren left me the Club so I check up on the staff there from time to time. I've just started dating someone called David. He's a nice guy. Quite Alpha like. But nothing like him. There will never be anyone like him.

Doug snaps his fingers in front of my face.

"I think you need a couple of days off work as it's the anniversary of Brendan's passing tomorrow and your working yourself into the ground lately".

"Maybe I will take a day or two off..." I state whilst looking outside at people coming and going in their nice, boring everyday lives. God when did I get so bitter.

I notice Cheryl walking past the Deli a few minutes later, speaking quietly on the phone.

"Be back in five now Doug. I need to speak to Cheryl about tomorrow" I state as I walk out the front door.

I walk quickly to catch up to Cheryl but slow my pace as she is speaking in a low tone on her phone. I catch the middle of what looks like a heated conversation.

"Look, what do you want me to say to him? Oh, sorry Ste I can't do anything with you tomorrow! Something's come up and I need to go to visit family in Dublin? Don't shout at me ok? I'm doing my best here. I miss you so much and so does... Tell him to drop dead! I ain't falling for it this time. Do you know how much grief the pair of you have caused? Fine, see you tomorrow. Yeah, he's fine. He's dating and running the Club and the Deli. Don't start getting stroppy with me because he's dating. What did you expect him to do? Be a monk for the rest of his life. He misses...hang on a sec".

Cheryl turns around as if she sensed me. She snaps her phone shut and looks at me intently.

"Hi hun. How long you been behind me for eh?"

"Who were you talking to on the phone Cheryl?" I look at her suspiciously.

"Something has come up and I need to go to Dublin for a few days".

"What something?" I ask.

"Something to do with my family" she replies. Cheryl is looking everywhere but at me and its making me nervous.

"Look Ste, I've got loads to do before I take off tomorrow. Do you fancy a quick drink at the flat and a natter before I start getting ready?"

"Ok Cheryl, but just one drink". We take off towards the flat arm in arm, always the supportive friends.

Three drinks later and Cheryl is clearly tipsy. "I'm popping to the loo Ste". She skips off to the toilet, laughing her head off. I think I've had to much an' all because I swear I can hear a Knight Rider ring tone playing softly. It's then I realize it's coming from Cheryl's bag. I pick up her mobile and flip it open. The number is withheld so I press answer but don't speak just incase it is a business call for Cheryl.

"I want to know who Stephen is dating and I want to know NOW!" a thick Irish accent states over the phone. The voice continues "Chez, answer me".

My head is spinning. Am I awake, sleeping, hullucinating?

"Who is this?" I speak into the phone after about two minutes of debating in my head.

Whoever it is takes a deep breath and listens for me to speak again, but I don't. See, I know who it is. That voice is what I have been missing for nearly a year. That voice is my other half. That voice is the voice I hear every night in my dreams. The phone goes dead and I collapse onto the sofa.

"Ste wake up". Cheryl is nudging me awake on her settee. "You fell asleep love. I've got to get going to the airport. I've decided to leave tonight for Dublin instead".

Did I dream what happened earlier on? I'm still tipsy and my head is a mess.

"Cheryl, I'm coming with you to Dublin" I look at her through glazed eyes.

"I don't think that's possible Ste. I'm going on private family business."

"Where is he Cheryl?"

"Ste, what are you talking about sweetie?"

"Where is He?. I feel him you know. Every day. I guess he can feel me too. I have every day for the last year. So I will ask you again? Where is he?"

Tears start to stream down my face and as I look up at Cheryl I notice that she has started to cry too.

"I don't know what your talking about baby".

"Take me to him. He has a lot of explaining to do"


	2. Back to the beginning for us

Ok. Deep breaths. I did not think that was going to happen! What the hell am I going to do? My heart is beating a thousand times a minute and it feels like it could burst out of my chest. I really need to calm myself down. Steven didn't know it was me on the other end of the phone. Why would he? He has a new boyfriend and he's running the Club and the Deli at the same time. He's got a real busy life now does Steven. Also, I seem to forget the fact that he thinks I'm dead!

I try to distract my thoughts by picking up a newspaper off the coffee table. No, that ain't working tonight. New boyfriend. Boyfriend. He has forgotten about me. I know he has. Didn't take him that long to get with someone else did it? True love. What a load of crap. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. It makes this whole situation a bit easier for me. Well, I hope his new boyfriend treats him right. Steven deserves to love and be loved back the right way. If he doesn't get treated right, Chez will let me know and I can get that sorted out for him even though I'm here in Dublin.

Also, how stupid is Chez? Why didn't she have her phone on her? Especially when she's in the company of Steven. She knows the rules to this. I need to think properly. Ok, I'm calm. Anyway, knowing Steven, after that phone call, he probably thinks he has some random stalker asking Chez to keep tabs on him. This makes me smile thinking of the way Steven's mind works. New boyfriend. I need to get this out of my head now! It's none of my business anyway. I'm supposed to be dead.

I settle down in front of the tele and switch on some reality tv show I have no interest in. Hearing Steven's voice tonight has awakened in me the longing to see him, touch him, make love to him again. I shake my head and reach for a bottle of wine and pour nearly the whole bottle down my throat. There, that should knock me out in about half hour. I need to stop with these thoughts of Steven. It's gonna drive me mad. I've kept this up for nearly a year now. No going back. I made a promise and I'm sticking to it. I miss him though. Every day. I long to take him in my arms and kiss him all over and other things that I won't let myself think about anymore.

My front door opens and I am snapped out of my trance by my companion on this little journey of mine.

"Did you speak to her Brendan?"

"Yeah, she's coming over tomorrow. She said to tell you she ain't falling for your crap no more though".

Walker sighs and picks up a bottle of beer, eyeing me up and down.

"I love her Brendan" Walker is barely whispering now.

"Yeah, well love is for idiots Walker" I turn back to the tv and pretend to be engrossed in whatever is on.

"Do you miss him Brendan?"

"Every day. Let's not do this tonight though ok Walker?".

I get up and walk swiftly to my bedroom. I hear Walker sigh and switch the tv over. Good. I'm glad he's got the message tonight. Normally he talks into the early hours about what's happened and ways we can get around it. Not tonight. Who would have thought my greatest enemy would become my friend? Not me, that's for sure.

I get undressed and slip into bed. This day has been awful. Not as bad as when I had to pretend to die mind you. I can feel sleep creeping up to meet me and I close my eyes and start to drift off. Suddenly I hear a noise and I sit trying to figure out where it's coming from. I notice my mobile on the bedside cabinet. Who in their right mind is ringing me now?

I'm quite drunk and half asleep as I reach for my phone. I don't know the number flashing up so I answer but don't speak.

"Bren, it's Chez". She sounds flustered and really loud. My head is pounding.

"What is it sis?" I sound grumpy but I really don't care. What the hell does she want now? I'm seeing her tomorrow.

"I'm in the airport and ringing you from a payphone. I have to speak quickly. I'm getting on the next flight over to you in about an hour. Just so you know".

"Ok" Why is she blabbering on about this? I knew she was coming over anyway as I asked her too. What a waste of a phone call. My interest in this conversation is starting to disappear quickly and I really want to get back to sleep.

"Bren, the thing is, umm Steven is coming with me".

I sit upright in shock. I start to sweat. My heart starts to hammer again in my chest. I think I may be having a slight heart attack. Did she just say what I think she said?

I hear someone in the background. Hang on. I know that voice. "Give me the phone Cheryl".

Oh shit! I feel sick and quite light headed. Everything around me is starting to sway. I think I'm gonna pass out. Steven sounds really pissed off speaking to Chez.

"Give me the phone Cheryl".

"Bren...I know your there"

I am literally shaking and no words will come out of my mouth. Clever little git ain't ye Steven.

"Answer me Bren. Please answer me" Steven's voice is so low. God I've missed him. How can I deny him asking to speak to me? I take a deep breath.

"Hello Steven"


	3. The day I have waited for

"Hello Steven".

Oh shit! What am I thinking? Maybe I shouldn't have answered him so casually. I guess my voice sets all of this off. I hear him take a sharp intake of breath and then he really lets rip.

Steven is basically screaming insult after insult down the phone to me.

"You Irish prick".

"Worst mistake of my life loving you innit".

"Self-centred git".

"A year. You lied to me for a year!".

"I had a feeling. Something was just telling me you could pull something like this off".

"You'll be begging you were dead when I get over to Dublin and get my hands on you".

I really don't know what to say. I deserve all of this anyway. I'm surprised Steven is taking it so easy on me. The worst part is though, I'm getting quite worked up by the sound of his voice. It does things to me. Why do I still love him so much? This year away from him has basically killed me. I know I shouldn't be thinking how much I love him when he has a new boyfriend anyway. Boyfriend...Oh yeah. I forgot about that for a second. I start to feel a little pissed off myself. What right does he have shouting the odds? Well, I'm gonna set him straight on a few things. At least, when I can get a word in. Knowing Steven, that could be quite a while.

My door creaks open and I jerk my head up and see Walker striding in to my bedroom. He peers over to me in the dark, looking between me and the phone. He is studying my every move, every facial expression. Steven is still ranting and raving like there's no tomorrow. His voice is getting louder with every insult. For some unknown reason, I suddenly have the urge to laugh. This is what Steven does to me. He makes me unpredictable. I have no control over my emotions when it comes to him.

"Who's on the phone Brendan?" Walker asks.

"Is that Walker?" Steven shrieks in my ear.

"Look Steven, I can explain. Will you just calm down for a minute?"

Walker is looking at me like I have lost my mind. He must be wondering how in the hell Steven is on the phone. This situation is really getting out of control now.

"Brendan, I'm hanging up now. I'll be with you in a few hours" Steven states, very coldly.

"I don't want you here Steven" I say quietly.

"Go home and be with your boyfriend and forget all about this will ye?" I sound like a jealous ex.

"Forget about this, are you being fucking serious?"..and with that the line goes dead.

I get up out of bed to try and regain some control of my mind and body. I'm in so much trouble.

"Fuck sake Brendan. If Ste comes here what the hell are we gonna say?" Walker is starting to panic.

"We'll have to tell him the truth, won't we?" I walk into the living room with Walker close behind.

I settle on the settee and switch the tv on. My hands are shaking so bad I can hardly change the channels.

Walker is pacing in the kitchen, looking pale. He's mumbling to himself and making me even more nervous.

"Brendan, we made this choice together because of what was gonna happen to Ste and you if you both stayed together. Because of my love for your sister, I helped you." Walker sits next to me and looks deep into my eyes.

"I know Walker. But I can't lie to Steven. He knows when I ain't telling the truth".

We sit, for what feels like a lifetime, just staring at the tv. Not really watching it. Walker's laughter breaks my thoughts and I turn and see him doubled up, clutching his stomach.

"What the hell, Walker?" I really think he has lost it this time.

"Aww, Brendan. Can you imagine what Ste is gonna be like when he gets here? He is gonna go mental!". This cracks Walker up even more. He's still holding his stomach and tears are falling down his face. I'm so glad he finds my misery appealing. Yeah, well I know how to shut him up.

"This ain't funny ok?" I say sharply. "Anyway, you have Chez to deal with" I smirk.

Walker goes quiet and then it's my turn to laugh my head off. If looks could kill, Walker would have just buried me.

Two hours later. The tension and panic seems to have disappeared for now from both of us. Walker is watching some crap soap on the tele and seems quite relaxed. This puts me at ease.

"Do you want another drink?" I ask as I head for the kitchen.  
"Yeah, make it a large one".

I open up the fridge and take out a bottle of wine. Christ, I really shouldn't be drinking this late at night. I pour two large glasses and make my way to the living room. I'm just about to take my first sip when there's a knock at the door.

Walker jumps up and peers out of the window.

"I can't see who it is Brendan".

Walker signals me, so I make my way to the front door.

I open it, just a little to be able to see who it is. Oh god, he's still as beautiful as the last day I saw him.

"Alright, Bren!" Steven looks at me up and down. What is he thinking? His eyes flash with something. Anger? Hatred? I can't look away from him.

"You look good for a dead man!" So cold. No emotion. I clock Chez standing there with her head down. She can't even look at me.

I hear Walker laugh and open the door further and in walks my past.

This is gonna be interesting.


	4. What now?

This is not good. This is all wrong. Things were not meant to be this way. You were not supposed to ever find out. That was the big plan. Me and Walker were impressed that both of us were so good at deceiving people. But you had to find out and ruin everything. I always had a feeling it would be you that would catch us out. Now it looks like me and Walker are screwed. We planned all of this so well. Where did it go wrong?

Thinking back, perhaps it was wrong of me to try and keep tabs on your life through my sister. I should have just cut all ties. It was just really hard. I mean, your the love of my life and Walker was in contact with Cheryl about everything and I couldn't help but ask how you were doing.

I mean, don't get me wrong, in a sick kind of way I'm glad that you and Cheryl are now here in my flat but I don't even know where to start to make things right again. Where do I begin? Do I actually tell you the real truth about why I had to lie to you, why I had to fake my own death?. Oh for fuck sake. I'm starting to panic and my hands are shaking so badly I put them in my trouser pockets so that nobody notices. Walker is standing calmly with his back against the wall in the living room. He doesn't look nervous at all. Bastard! Why is he the one that's so calm all the time?

As you both step inside out of the cold, Cheryl reaches out to me and pulls me into a hug.

"You ok Bren?" she ruffles my hair and looks into my eyes. At least my sister looks sincere.

"I'm ok" I glance at Steven but he's looking at Walker like he wants to kill him.

"Problem?" Walker raises his eyebrow at Steven.

Walker starts to laugh nervously. This sets Steven and Cheryl off on a rant. Why can't Walker shut the fuck up at times like this?

"What the fuck are you laughing at then eh?" Steven spits out.

"Grow up Walker, this ain't funny" Cheryl fumes.

At the sound of Chez's voice Walker stops his laughing straight away. He looks at Chez like she's the only one in the room. I notice Chez trying to look anywhere but at him. This seems to annoy the hell out of Walker.

"Whatever, I'm off to bed. See you all in the morning" and with that Walker struts out of the living room and makes his way to bed. He glances back and gives Cheryl a quick wink which she chooses to ignore.

"Do you want a drink or something?" I mumble to Chez and Steven.

Chez ignores me, gives Steven a knowing look and walks into the kitchen. Steven surprises me when he walks up, right close and touches my face. Jesus, I've missed those hands. Actually I've missed all of him.

"I can't believe your here" you state as your hands travel down my face. You look at me from under your long eyelashes and I hear myself take a sharp intake of breath.

"Steven, I..."

"I don't want to hear it tonight Brendan". I can hear anger in your voice again.

"I just want to go to bed and clear my head a bit for the morning".

Chez comes back from the kitchen with a glass of wine and one for Steven. I notice you both gulp down the wine as if to steady your nerves. I don't blame either of you though. This is all a mess. It's all my fault.

"Look, I know I have a lot of explaining to do but I'm really tired, so if it's ok with the both of you I'm gonna get some sleep". My voice sounds really weak. I guess that's me all over though. Weak.

"Yeah, that's fine Bren. We can sort all this out tomorrow" Chez looks at me and smiles.

With that I turn and pull out the sofa bed in the living room for both of you to sleep on. I keep looking up and catching Steven's eye. Why are you here Steven? He is never going to forgive me for this. Part of me now wants to pick him up and drag him off to bed. The need I have to touch him again is overwhelming. I shake the thoughts out of my head, give them both a quick smile and "goodnight" and make my way off to bed. I can feel Steven's eyes burning a hole in my back but I can't look back.

Half hour later and I turn in bed and look at my alarm clock on the side of the table. It's gone 5am. I close my eyes and start to feel my body relax. In a way I'm glad this will all be over in the morning. Steven will hate me and leave. God only knows what's gonna happen with Chez and Walker. Well that's their business. My only concern is Steven.

"Brendan" My door creaks open and in you walk, ruffled hair and tired eyes.

"What's the matter Steven?"

You don't answer me. You look sad. I reach up to touch your face and you pull the bedclothes back and wrap yourself up in my arms.

"What the hell?" I'm too frightened to move.

"Just want to be with you tonight Bren" You look up into my eyes and place a soft kiss on my lips.

"Why?" I'm really confused now.

"Cause I love you, and I can't spend my life without you. I love you Brendan".

You cheeky little git. Quoting me from the night I found you on Ha'Penny Bridge. I smirk and pull you closer to me. Now this feels right. My stomach starts to knot as I remember I have to explain everything tomorrow. This will be over and you will leave.

But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the fact that I get to hold you one last time. I can hear your breathing starting to go deep and this makes me start to drift off with thoughts of what tomorrow brings floating around in my head...


End file.
